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I’ve always been the fat girl.

As far as my memory goes, I was always the “big” girl. You know how students line up according to height? I would always be at the far end. And not only I was tall compared to my classmates, I was also fat. I wasn’t obese fat, I was just fat fat. I’m not trying to make myself look better! Obese kids can’t be active but I could still play like other normal kids. It’s just that I wouldn’t be able to run as fast as the others. I also remembered that my playmates were not excited to have me in their team if the activity involves being fast.

We have this game as kids in the Philippines, Luksong Baka (literal transalation: Jump Cow), where one kid will be the “cow” and other kids will jump over. Ultimate goal of the game is that the participants be able to jump over the “cow” without touching him/her except when they place their hands on the cow’s back so they can lift themselves. The height of the cow increases on each round. Guess what? I was always the cow. I never had the chance to jump over. First, I didn’t think I can lift myself with my hands. Second, no one would want to have my weight on their back. Yeah, you can laugh now.

I was teased, but I wasn’t bullied. Probably because they were afraid that I can just punch them? And probably because I just didn’t care. A part of me has accepted that “I am fat and that’s how things are and how things will be. My grade school and high school, I was fat. I think it was on my second year in college that started going to the gym. I remember I was 185lbs then. With a height of 5’6, I was fat. It was difficult to buy clothes then. There were no shops for bigger women in the Manila, and the biggest size for girls’ pants is 32 and I couldn’t fi in those. So I got most of my jeans from the guys sections where they have 36inches!

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College days

So after my first stint at the gym, I was able to lose weight. I think I dropped to 160lbs. And then few months after, I will gain it all back. And then I’ll start going to the gym again and lose some. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve lost some weight and gain it all again. I’ll go down to 145lbs, then go back 160lbs. I was trapped in that cycle for years.

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First months of working – June 2008

December 2009

December 2009

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May 2010

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December 2010

The lightest I’ve been was when I was already here in Sydney. I dropped to 140lbs, and I had muscles so I was quite lean. That was January 2012. Then after a year with a boyfriend and all the stress of my visa application, I just woke up one day and I was pushing 160lbs again. I had to send my smaller clothes to my sister because they’re just occupying space in my closet and I couldn’t wear them anyway.

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Sydney Summer 2011

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October 2011

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December 2012. Busy cooking.

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May 2013. Probably this photo was my wake-up call. I didn’t approve this on my timeline in facebook, I was just so ashamed of what I’ve done to my body again.

I tried to go back to the gym, tried to eat healthy, but always lose focus on the weekends. It was just a bliss to have a glass, or 3, of wine on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. I also started baking so I had all access to sugar and butter. Eating was more fun with a partner (yes, we both gained weight!)

And then 1 day of May this year, I registered for Original Bootcamp in Domain. I knew I needed something new, I couldn’t push myself anymore. I started on the first week of winter, maybe the extra challenge of low temperature at 7am got me through. For the whole 3 months of winter, I only missed one session – when I set the alarm wrong.

And here I am, I’ve joined the 8weeks to wow program. It’s the 4th week, I’m less than 140lbs (but I shouldn’t be looking at the scales!). Let’s see how fit I’ll be after this. Ever since I started going to the gym, I only had 1 goal – to be able to wear a swimsuit and be proud of my body! I know that’s shallow. Haha! But for someone who’s been fat all her life, I just wanted to know the feeling of being proud of your body. Of course now I know it’s not just all about losing weight, I’ve understood the concept of fitness and the true meaning of being healthy. But I still want to be lean!!!

And I swear,  don’t want to gain it all again. I’m thinking, maybe as long as I have consistent exercise, I’ll be fine. This bootcamp works well for me. Maybe because I paid extra that’s why I feel obliged to attend every session. But I also enjoy each sessions, working out with people that are fit just gets me motivated and I want to be like them! Someday, maybe.

So yeah, I’ll be posting fitness updates too!

Do you have fitness goals? What gets you motivated?

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